Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
