even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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