He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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