I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She even gives head with a lisp.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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