Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
