so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
