Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
