Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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