Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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