never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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