I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think my moral compass just broke
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