And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize