I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
