Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
