She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
