Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
