My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
