Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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