Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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