he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
