dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im holly from the hills drunk
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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