if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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