I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
this hospital has no fireball
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
