Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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