good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
