I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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