Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
