I think im going to throw up on grandma
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
