I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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