Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
