community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This house was built for laser tag.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
