i think my mom watched the whole time
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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