I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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