mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
