Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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