half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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