seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
