My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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