Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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