Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
