For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
