he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
