I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
