I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
