I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
