My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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