Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
