I will die if light touches me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize