Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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