hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
