You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
