ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
