I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
