If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I want to be your penis for a week.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
