how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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