your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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