I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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