OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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