just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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