Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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