oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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