so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
