He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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