I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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