so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
