dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
