So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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