He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm too high and old for this...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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